so
as happy as i’ve been in certain aspects of my life, i’ve been pretty depressed lately. i really don’t have a lot going for me, and i’ve been pretty lonely. other than the boy, i have no real friends here. a lot of the people i used to hang out with and was pretty close with seem to have dropped off the face of the earth. or rather… i suppose they’re still there as they seem rather busy. i guess i’m the one who dropped off the face of the earth. although it’s not from lack of trying. i feel like my life has basically been a black hole. i have nothing going on in my life. i mark the passing of days in the week by what tv shows i can watch. i sleep almost all the time. and the only person i talk to is the boy. the only reason i leave my house now that i have no car, is if he comes over. or if my mom drives over to get me for assorted family functions.
i have no car
i have no job
i can’t even get an interview to get a job
i’m not in school
i have no social life to speak of
and i’m terribly terribly lonely
i avoid talking to old friends because hearing about their lives and jobs and friends and classes just reinforces all of the things i don’t have going on in my life. and then when it’s my point in the conversation to talk, i have nothing to say. except to ramble on about a boy for awhile. which always makes me feel so utterly and completely stupid. when i had other things going on and i chose to talk about a boy, it was completely different. but when that is my only choice it makes me feel pathetic and pointless.
well my mom started in on me tonight about not having a job and not being in school and when i tried to explain all the things i’m doing and trying to do to fix those things she basically told me i was being stupid and… it just made me feel so much more of a mess. so much more of a disappointment. it just magnified everything i don’t have going for me. all the things that i try not to think about because they make me so completely depressed.
and honestly the worst part of it all is i don’t know how to fix it. i’m trying. i want to so badly have a life and a job and be in school again. and i’m so sick of explaining to everyone how i’m doing all of the work and all of the dead ends i’ve hit with all of the different things because it just points out to me yet again all of the ways i’ve failed recently. and i just… feel really stupid right now. i feel like i’m the only one i know of who is THIS much of a mess. yes everyone at my age is a work in progress and has problems and nobody has it together but… i feel like i just take it to an extraordinarily pathetic level rarely seen outside of movies like knocked up.
i don’t even know what the point of writing this was for. writing it doesn’t fix anything. it doesn’t make me feel better. it doesn’t make me more focused or give me ideas on how to work on any o these things. honestly it makes me feel even more pointless and stupid
